What Does It Even Mean to be Healed?
In 2016, I hit rock bottom. Up until a few years prior, I balanced work & play like an expert. I worked hard during the week, and played (really) hard on the weekends. I was surrounded by people who did the same, so it didn’t really feel like there was anything wrong.
It started in my teens, I drank for the first time out with some friends. After 15 years of social anxiety, overthinking, and worrying about being liked, alcohol gave me the freedom to be whoever I wanted to be— to act without trepidation. I could be outgoing, funny, sassy, and fun. Everything I wasn’t allowed to express at home, I could rebel against and finally be “myself”.
It wasn’t until nearly 15 years later that I realized this version of myself was actually just a manifestation of my trauma. I wasn’t always being authentic, I was just putting on display what had been suppressed in order to be accepted at home: uninhibited self-expression.
I had been conditioned to be polite, quiet, and nice.
Alcohol gave me permission to be blunt, loud, & sometimes (unfortunately) not so nice.
I was the “fun” friend, always down for a good time. This meant I was constantly chasing the freedom I felt while drinking at night, and recovering from the shame of it during the day. I very rarely said no. I had no boundaries. I was constantly surrounded by other people, talking about other people, and comparing myself to other people. I didn’t really have a strong sense of self.
After my early twenties came and went, I started to question where my life was going.
It felt like groundhog day. Work hard, play hard. Where were the ideas? The innovation? The creativity? The growth? I wasn’t building anything. Just stuck in a cycle of “living in the moment”, which looking back, was an excuse for procrastinating on my future and my potential.
In 2016, I hit rock bottom. I won’t go into the details because they are painful to revisit. But I stopped drinking, and started asking bigger questions.
Who am I without the liquid courage of alcohol?
What do I even like to do? To talk about?
Who do I desire to become?
This one decision, to give up alcohol, put me on a path toward self-realization that was extremely difficult and extremely rewarding. The next 6 years were committed to “healing myself”.
I was on a mission.
I rewired my inner critic. I learned to set boundaries. I started having standards for relationships. I stopped being so judgmental and gave up gossip (mostly). I took care of my body and mind. I let go of friendships that no longer served me. I spent A LOT of time alone. I started a business and learned new skills.
I read books. Listened to podcasts. Inhaled social media posts and blogs and TedTalks. I journaled feverishly, created rigid routines around my wellbeing, and obsessed over “optimizing” the human experience.
I giggle looking back on how rigid and hyper-focused I was, but I also realize that this phase was entirely necessary for me to become the woman I am today.
I had to be rigid in order to learn to be flexible.
I had to be obsessive in order to learn to let go.
I needed structure so I could create more freedom.
I had to bravely go through the fire, the dark, and the fog to find the warm, comforting light my life has today.
Now I get to choose which pieces of the personal development puzzle I continue to work on, and which pieces I’ve outgrown.
I get to choose to be present, human, content, and enjoy the mundane, good enough moments of life instead of always chasing being “exceptional”.
I get to put down the rulebook, step off the pedestal, and guide my clients from a place of understanding, compassion, and empathy.
And now, I get to help other women navigate the fire, the dark, and the fog while giving them hope for what’s on the other side. I help them collapse time on the process of finding their own warm, cozy life light, and create their life on their own terms.
I help them find Peace. Contentment. Simplicity.
And there’s still room for fun, I promise.
xo Courtney
